Three years ago I was but a freshman trying to find his way in a very large university. I had the distinct misfortune of not getting into any of the dorms I applied for, and thus I was banished to the lowliest dorm of them all: WALTON. For those of you who like Star Wars references, let's just say that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. For those of you who don't like Star Wars, go watch the greatest movie saga ever created, like it, then come back and read this blog.
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| "Hey, wanna go to my dorm and have sex so that the three people who live within earshot can all hear?" |
Clearly the answer to the question posed in the above caption was a firm "yes." My drunk suite mate and his drunk female friend come barging into my room laughing and barely holding themselves up.
Drunk Suite Mate: "Hey dude, I'm too drunk to unlock the door to my room, so I'm just gonna walk through the bathroom."
Sweet, innocent Marcos: "ooookay....."
They weren't really walking through the bathroom as much as they were trying to regain balance from the alcohol induced earthquake they were both surely experiencing. Once they made it into his room there was a silence for maybe two or three minutes until I could hear what sounded like either furniture moving or furniture hitting the wall ever so slightly, as if someone were rocking back and forth at a steady pace... When all of a sudden the drunk girl comes storming out of my bathroom and into the middle of my room because apparently the door to his room was still way too complicated to figure out from the inside where it opens even when locked.
Drunk girl as she's walking through my room: "He's a fucking asshole"
Perhaps he suggested a form of coitus that only takes place in the darkest corners of the internet, perhaps she expected a drunk Walton guy to actually care about her feelings, perhaps she expected payment upfront, but whatever it was she was obviously pretty upset with the guy. A few seconds after she storms out of my room and into the hallway, my suite mate also comes barging through the bathroom with his pants around his ankles. Now, consider this: there are only three doors in my room, one leading to the bathroom that he just came out of, one for the closet, and one leading into the hallway so people may exit the dorm. My suite mate stops in the middle of my room, pants on the ground, looks at me and asks with the dumbest face I've ever seen....
REALLY!? Which way did she go!? Oh, she's just hiding in the closet. WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE WENT!?
Me: "Umm she went that way" *points out the door into the hallway*
Then he waddled away (waddle waddle), pants at his feet and all. Once all of the drunk, semi-naked people were out of my room I proceeded to lock every door I owned and then went to sleep for the night. I was hoping that this whole episode would be behind me come morning, but of course I was wrong...
The next morning I woke up to someone moving around my room, but I didn't pay much attention because I figured it was just my roommate. That was until I heard a voice quite unlike my roommate's...
Formerly drunk girl: "Where am I?"
Me, half asleep: "What the.... You're in my room!"
Formerly drunk girl: "Do you have a phone I could use?"
Being the kind person I am I lent her my phone. As she was calling a friend I realized that I was the only person in either room besides her, so of course the problem was mine alone to deal with. I was patiently waiting for her to get her bearings back and communicate to her friend that she needed to be picked up somewhere, but more importantly I was making sure I got my phone back. After she got off the phone she let out a sigh of relief for having a friend who was willing to help her, then....
Formerly drunk girl: "Sweet! Now I just gotta find my pants!"
Maybe I was just not paying attention because I was rudely awoken from my slumber, but that was the first time I noticed that she was wandering about my room with nothing but a t-shirt and her underwear on. I feel like she had shorts on when she angrily stormed through my room the night before, but somewhere along the way those shorts went wanting for an owner. While some men would be quite pleased to find a half-naked female in their living quarters, I was quite upset that I had to deal with this when I could be sleeping instead. I hastily grabbed a pair of my suite mate's basketball shorts off the floor and instructed her to wear those for now. Once clothed she left the room, never to be seen again by the likes of me.
A few hours later my suite mate came by and apologized for all the stuff he couldn't really remember doing. He informed me that the drunk girl decided to get totally naked and run around outside after they had both paraded through my dorm room. I can only imagine that after she went streaking he decided to only clothe her in a shirt and underwear for his own aesthetic pleasure. I'm sure you can guess how the rest of my freshman year went...
Well, that's my story. I can promise it is 100% true. Any suggestions for what I should write about next time? Just let me know in the comments, on tumblr, Facebook, or in person!
Drunk Suite Mate: "Hey dude, I'm too drunk to unlock the door to my room, so I'm just gonna walk through the bathroom."
Sweet, innocent Marcos: "ooookay....."
They weren't really walking through the bathroom as much as they were trying to regain balance from the alcohol induced earthquake they were both surely experiencing. Once they made it into his room there was a silence for maybe two or three minutes until I could hear what sounded like either furniture moving or furniture hitting the wall ever so slightly, as if someone were rocking back and forth at a steady pace... When all of a sudden the drunk girl comes storming out of my bathroom and into the middle of my room because apparently the door to his room was still way too complicated to figure out from the inside where it opens even when locked.
Drunk girl as she's walking through my room: "He's a fucking asshole"
Perhaps he suggested a form of coitus that only takes place in the darkest corners of the internet, perhaps she expected a drunk Walton guy to actually care about her feelings, perhaps she expected payment upfront, but whatever it was she was obviously pretty upset with the guy. A few seconds after she storms out of my room and into the hallway, my suite mate also comes barging through the bathroom with his pants around his ankles. Now, consider this: there are only three doors in my room, one leading to the bathroom that he just came out of, one for the closet, and one leading into the hallway so people may exit the dorm. My suite mate stops in the middle of my room, pants on the ground, looks at me and asks with the dumbest face I've ever seen....
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| Source Drunk suite mate: "Which way did she go?" |
REALLY!? Which way did she go!? Oh, she's just hiding in the closet. WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE WENT!?
Me: "Umm she went that way" *points out the door into the hallway*
Then he waddled away (waddle waddle), pants at his feet and all. Once all of the drunk, semi-naked people were out of my room I proceeded to lock every door I owned and then went to sleep for the night. I was hoping that this whole episode would be behind me come morning, but of course I was wrong...
The next morning I woke up to someone moving around my room, but I didn't pay much attention because I figured it was just my roommate. That was until I heard a voice quite unlike my roommate's...
Formerly drunk girl: "Where am I?"
Me, half asleep: "What the.... You're in my room!"
Formerly drunk girl: "Do you have a phone I could use?"
Being the kind person I am I lent her my phone. As she was calling a friend I realized that I was the only person in either room besides her, so of course the problem was mine alone to deal with. I was patiently waiting for her to get her bearings back and communicate to her friend that she needed to be picked up somewhere, but more importantly I was making sure I got my phone back. After she got off the phone she let out a sigh of relief for having a friend who was willing to help her, then....
Formerly drunk girl: "Sweet! Now I just gotta find my pants!"
Maybe I was just not paying attention because I was rudely awoken from my slumber, but that was the first time I noticed that she was wandering about my room with nothing but a t-shirt and her underwear on. I feel like she had shorts on when she angrily stormed through my room the night before, but somewhere along the way those shorts went wanting for an owner. While some men would be quite pleased to find a half-naked female in their living quarters, I was quite upset that I had to deal with this when I could be sleeping instead. I hastily grabbed a pair of my suite mate's basketball shorts off the floor and instructed her to wear those for now. Once clothed she left the room, never to be seen again by the likes of me.
A few hours later my suite mate came by and apologized for all the stuff he couldn't really remember doing. He informed me that the drunk girl decided to get totally naked and run around outside after they had both paraded through my dorm room. I can only imagine that after she went streaking he decided to only clothe her in a shirt and underwear for his own aesthetic pleasure. I'm sure you can guess how the rest of my freshman year went...
Well, that's my story. I can promise it is 100% true. Any suggestions for what I should write about next time? Just let me know in the comments, on tumblr, Facebook, or in person!
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